Just a random text

It was a hectic day. I woke up around 4:30 in the morning looking for some sort of redemption in life. Screeched and screamed all my life to be a morning person . For all the failures in my life I was blamed up for the wrong habits. So I finally decided to give up all such “BAD” things away(According to my parents) I was never really an alcoholic or the one who loves to smoke. But I was a nocturnal Or I still am. So, everyday my alarm starts snoozing up from 4:00 Till I get up 30 mins late. I started my day with the worrisome nature i’ve inherited from my parents. Self doubting myself “if I know enough for the exam” even then I started practicing something else. Some basic Maths. Don’t you just love playing with the numbers? Well, It’s okay if you don’t. But I love Maths and just a lil bit of music along with it makes my perfect Saturday afternoon or as a matter of fact any morning too. So, Around 5:30, I started fretting about being late to the gym which just so you know opens at 6. The moment I reached there were only 2 people apart from me. SHOCKER!! How’d they get before me. Anyway, This was the first time I was that early in the gym. I did the basic cardio and beside checking out myself. I was looking at those other two girls out of admiration, How much they’ve reduced themselves. Meanwhile, I’m still the fat kid.(I shouldn’t call myself a kid I am 21 going 22 but Hey! Aren’t we all kids?)

So,I was obsessing over not being worthy enough And following the normal regime of taking up advices and never practicing them (Dieting is just hard) while running on the treadmill, I DROPPED MY PHONE.

It gave me a mini heart attack along with many automatic curses out of my mouth. By the time there were many people and they were all staring at me. I started to awkwardly smile and walk away. I gave my phone at the reception and the lights went out, the moment I was about to start running again. (FML right??) Not really. It was a bad start to a day. I didn’t let it get to me. It was already 7 and my trainer wasn’t still in and I had to leave early. He came in late while I was just stalling time on the twister. He greeted me with utmost respect that I’ve never felt. We have a very friendly brother sister vibe sort of a relationship and He called me “Ma’am” for the first time in 2 months. I could sense he was being apologetic. It was bad enough to see the place I put him at I might not be the place in his life. He has a group with all the members but I’m not included. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it felt bad. So, out of revenge or anger I did all the exercises fast paced. DID 100 CRUNCHES IN 15 MINS. It’s a big deal for me, Since I have a huge tummy and I’m not very efficient when it comes to exercising. I told him I had to leave and came home. Studied for my exam.

So, I don’t have many friends in College or even if I do. I don’t feel like they’d stay friends after 6 months. So, now I’ve started keeping a distance because it hurts and I’m usually the person getting hurt in the end. So, a friend called up and asked me if i were there in college already and I said “No, and I have not studied”. He didn’t reply. He just cut the call straight on my face, rude much? (OKAY!! Maybe i’m overthinking this)

I went to the college thinking that i’m looking the best of me, until i entered the premises. I couldn’t stop imagining what a mess I looked like. I didn’t let it bother me. I sat with “FRIENDS” it was like the usual time. Not so fun, Not so boring. I just happen not to have the same interests as them inclusive of just talking about career. It makes me depressed and then I can’t stop thinking. So, I left to meet my so far only good friend left in college “Vivek”. Eventhough, we had an exam in 30 mins. We wasted it gossiping, bitching and landed up discussing future but it’s not sad when i discuss it with him. He and I are sailing the same boat. Even if we weren’t it wouldn’t be an issue for me to talk to him about things. We’ve come a long way.

And I get a call from My classmate to reach the classroom for the exam, I went there. He shyly shook my hand, let’s not forget I was drenched in sweat and My hair were a mess. But that guy has always been hesitant with girls,I don’t think he noticed. So, It’s okay. I was about to enter the classroom and there I saw. A guy who blocked me about 6 months ago entering the class. I am outspoken, blunt person with friends. Atleast the ones I care about. Well, I am clingy too. So, Maybe i shouldn’t have been that person and shouldn’t have cracked sexist jokes and called him way too emotional and a guy who PMSed. But the thing is he did. He literally did PMS. Maybe I’m just too rude. I told him that many a times to stop crying. My sarcasm was impolite and harsh according to him. But his fat shaming and then trying to tell me to lose weight so I could be hot wasn’t? (Before you say I was wrong or he was. I am taking both of our sides. Don’t friends talk like that bash each other, make uncomfortable jokes when they’re too comfortable and still laugh?) He had a problem that i unfollowed him on instagram but the thing is back then I was so caught up with the fact that I’m hideous that I didn’t unfollow, I blocked and unblocked everyone. I didn’t want to know how perfect they were and how disastrous my life was. We all have insecurities, Maybe that was mine. It still is. That is why I have deactivated Facebook. I don’t want to know you’re faking it online or actually you’re happy but if it’s making me take a step back from happiness. I’d try to avoid it. Still,Whatever I felt or did. He was done with me so there I was blocked.

Back on the topic. He was clean shaven, I remember he hated that and I couldn’t even tell him that he looks just fine. So, I was there portraying the worst part of me “Being an imposter” Talking all loud and sarcastic. I just wanted him to realise that’s how i am. When my so called friends laughed. He went inside the class. I totally forgot about that. We sit in the same classroom during exams.

I was looking at the paper thinking to myself “I read it all, but why Can’t I remember what i read” and started writing stories like the distorted one I’m writing right now. The moment My best bud Vivek left the room (He also sits on my frontdesk) I knew It was time for me to stop trying and leave ASAP, I was already done with my exam 10 mins before he left but I needed a friend to get out of the room before “The guy who was once a friend” noticed me leave.

I picked my bag up and looked at my phone. There it was, A TEXT.

A text from an unknown number seeming too familiar. I was dreading that moment. I asked Vivek if he knew who this person was. And I was hoping it was not the guy who left me stranded in life when he promised to stay no matter what my actions were. But secretly I wished it was him. He was my sole friend with whom I could be me. With whom I could discuss everything that went wrong with me,He used to be my go to person. When I were happy I’d text him and tell him, If i felt low. I just had to call him and stay quiet, Wasn’t he the best. He was there but that was the problem, I was always on such a high with him I never really realised that He was there when he needed to be not when I asked him to. If i needed him, All I used to get was a no reply. But when he needed me I used to pick up his call in one breath. I am a mess and I get it. But Maybe I was too much to deal with. After he left, I realised I was never really happy. The feeling was temporary on a rare high I was living on. There was a constant sad bug living in my head, Telling me “YOU ARE NOT GOOD, YOU DON’T DESERVE THE BEST, YOU’RE NOT WORTHY”. That’s why I never really had good friends even when I am so social. That’s why I never really could trust anyone.

So, there it was that text.

The text made me analyse so many scenarios. Maybe it’s him finally telling me he’s sorry for not talking soon. Even though It has been 3 months now. Maybe It was a text trying to get past whatever happened and whatever I did. I never really got the closure, It was just one day i decided. I’ve had enough I am worthy of a true friendship and love and being someones priority that even if you’re busy you can text me ttyl or call me up later. With him it was never the case, I was forgotten until after 3 days, He’d call and say “Where have you been?” I am not a toy to be played around. This was not the first time he was doing this to me. This was not the first time He has refused to meet me. It’s not like he doesn’t know all this bugs me. It didn’t make me angry at him. It all made me angry at myself, I always thought “MAYBE, IT’S BECAUSE I’M NOT PRETTY” or “MAYBE, HE’S ASHAMED OF ME”. It’s not like he didn’t hear my thoughts. I was pretty vocal about it. With everything that’s been going on. He knew I was stressed even though i no longer talked about it. Because I was realising he wasn’t there in this friendship for me. He was there for his ownself and when he was there for me it all felt like a facade. I didn’t exist in reality, It was virtual existence and It was killing me. It was making me the worst version of me. The one I thought never existed. It’s not like he didn’t know I actually liked him, He just never gave me an answer and I waited for years.I never hoped for a relationship. I was just seeking approval yes, A guy can like me for me. and Then there was always this reply saying “I don’t want to talk about this”. But what about me?? I stopped talking to him this year, I was maintaining a distance but there he was calling or texting. There was always a chance to go back to him and now there isn’t any. I always thought I’d get over it even being friends with him. I always thought maybe he felt the same way. FOOLISHNESS is that what you can call it. I see how actions differ from words and promises differ from gestures. Still, Yeah. I wanted it to be his text so i could tell him what all I felt and how I still feel (Definitely not Love but not hatred either, just a plain “never do this to anyone again”) With that text I wanted to clear everything up. But it wasn’t the case. It was a wrong number. While I was running these scenarios in my head. I’ve realised I’ve come a long way and there is a long way to go

Many people that have left me they’ve left a scar that’s yet to be heeled up.

Many wounds have been filled and some are just fresh and I know I’d recover soon.